Bella's Nightmare
by Blood Angel Ultimate
Summary: ONESHOT. Bella awakes one morning from the worst nightmare she's ever had. And let me tell you, there is no nightmare worse than finding out that- well... you'll see.
1. Bella's Nightmare

Felt like doing something cracktastic to show my support for hating Twilight

Felt like doing something cracktastic to show my support for hating Twilight. That's right beeyotches. Complain and you get shot. There's something called a BACK button you know. Yeah, hate me if you want, I don't care if I don't know you.

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**BELLA'S NIGHTMARE**

Bella looked around herself, recognizing the familiar La Push beach. Jake waved to her, he said something about volleyball with the Cullens. She was so proud that they had all worked out their differences and reached an agreement on how to live. She smiled and ran to them, her friends, her allies, the ones she loved more than anyone… Her family.

After a refreshing game of volleyball, Edward took Bella aside. He had told her something about "getting the truth off of his chest." She wondered what it was all about. Perhaps he was going to tell her that he knew a way to be human for her! She was giddy at the thought.

"Bella, you know… I've been here only a little while longer than you, right?" She nodded and said yes, wishing silently for him to hurry up.

"Well, some things-er-happened before you joined us in Forks."

"What do you mean Edward?" she asked, blinking her eyes twice and pouting a bit.

"I mean, Jacob and I… we were lovers." Bella was in shock.

"Still are, babe," Jake said, wrapping an arm around Edward's waist. He had that smile that you would see on that male enhancement commercial. "In fact, Ed… you tell 'er the news."

"Oh Jakie," Edward sighed, kissing his lover's cheek boldly. "Well, you see Bella, we're expecting," Edward explained rubbing his stomach with a blush.

"How is that even _possible?!_ You're both _guys!_" Bella shouted in disbelief.

"There's more than one hole Bells," Jake said, still smiling proudly. Bella suddenly felt sick.

"But how can Ed… be… with child?"

"Simple, when you turn into a vampire, you lose all your balls and become a sparkly, manly, _girl."_ Bella felt even more sick now.

"But what about the whole vampire werewolf thing? Don't you guys smell like shit to each other?" Bella knew it had to be a joke.

"Most of the time we do. But I found that Edward smells more like cherry blossoms and vanilla," Jake said, taking a wiff of Ed's collar. Edward giggled with embarrassment.

"Oh honey, not in front of everyone," he said with girlish glee.

Jake smiled and told Bella, "The reason we're telling you this is because we… we want you to be the godfather."

* * *

A bloodcurdling scream woke Edward from his trance. Though he couldn't sleep he could rest his body and mind by settling into a relaxing trance. But having that trance broken was like ripping off someone's armpit hairs. It hurt like a bitch.

"BELLA! BELLA! IT'S OKAY! NO ONE'S GONNA HURT YOU!" Edward screamed in desperation, holding his manic girlfriend.

"Get away you pregnant freak!" Bella shrieked, slamming a pillow against Edward's head. Edward was taken aback.

"Pregnant? How can I… _**A MAN…!**_ be pregnant?" Edward asked in confusion.

Bella sighed with relief. "Oh, it's just a dream." She stood and looked out the window, hummed a bit, then turned back to Edward.

"You're not… Jacob's lover or anything, are you?" she asked.

"No."

"And are you by any chance a-"

"No Bella, what ever you're going to ask me just don't bother, the answer is no."

"…so you still have your man business?"

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Took that last line from "What Happens in Vegas." Funny movie, funny movie. Flame me and I'll send Chuck Norris after you. And a few Tellitubbies.


	2. Alternate Endings!

Guess what everyone? I never expected to get so many reviews from that dumb thing I did out of boredom and crack, so I decided to share some ALTERNATE ENDINGS with y'all. Glad I didn't get any hater comments. And some actually amused me. I can't remember which ones, but you guys rock! xD So all of the endings start when she wakes up from the dream…

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_A bloodcurdling scream woke Edward from his trance. Though he couldn't sleep he could rest his body and mind by settling into a relaxing trance. But having that trance broken was like ripping off someone's armpit hairs. It hurt like a bitch._

_"BELLA! BELLA! IT'S OKAY! NO ONE'S GONNA HURT YOU!" Edward screamed in desperation, holding his manic girlfriend._

_"Get away you pregnant freak!" Bella shrieked, slamming a pillow against Edward's head._

**Alternate Ending 1: It Couldn't Possibly Be…**

"I-I thought you'd be happy for me…" Edward whimpered, his head drooping. Bella's eyes widened.

"W-what? You mean, you really… you're preggers?" she stammered in disbelief.

"Well, I mean, I told you yesterday, both Jakie and I. I mean, he was the one who helped me gather the courage to tell you and I-" Bella screamed as loud as she could, shoving the pillow she was still gripping in her fingers in his face.

Charlie came running upstairs. "Bella, what's with all this commotion?"

"EDWARD IS PREGNANT WITH JACOB'S CHILD!!" she shrieked, jumping out of bed and scurrying quickly to her father.

"What?! This is ridiculous, I thought it was mine! Eddie, baby, you lied!" Charlie said with a face twisted with anger and sorrow. Bella screamed again and ran downstairs. She then- literally- bumped into Emmett, Carlisle, Jasper, and Sam… all at once.

"Whoa, easy Bella, what's wrong?" Jasper asked, using his powers to calm her.

"E-Ed-Edward… child… Jacob… PREGNANT MAN!" she burst, still in a panic despite Jasper's powers. Carlisle chuckled.

"I always knew he had it in 'im…" he said to himself.

"Damn, I lost the bet, I was sure it would be Sam to knock that kid up," Emmett groaned.

"You owe me a laptop," Jasper declared. Sam just looked rejected and depressed. Bella couldn't handle it anymore.

_Welcome back zombie Bella… long time no see. I need another long vacation from reality, do you mind if I recede into the darkest corners of my sad little mind?_

**Alternate Ending 2: Not 100 True…**

"What gave you the idea that I'm pregnant?" Edward said, one eyebrow cocked high above the other in confusion. Bella sighed with relief.

"Oh, I just had this crazy dream where you can Jacob were lovers, and you got knocked up. Crazy, huh?" she said, laughing and putting her pillow down.

"Yeah, that's ridiculous, you know Jacob and I would _never_ be _lovers,_" Edward replied, laughing despite being in pain from being mauled by Bella.

"And you know what the worst part was? _YOU WERE A GIRL!_" Bella immediately broke out with laughter, but there was one vampire in the room who wasn't amused. "What's wrong Edward? Cat got your tongue? _Werewolf_ got your tongue?" She started laughing again, nearly falling off of her bed as the joyous tears rolled down her cheeks.

"…but I am a girl Bella…" Edward said. She pointed to her chest, and it was true. Edward was female. Another scream flooded the ears of everyone in town, including one cranky Mike Newton.

"Damn, will that bitch Edward keep her fricking screams down?!" he yelled.

**Alternate Ending 3: Tender Sugar…**

"Bella, relax, I'm not pregnant. You'd better rest some more, that morning sickness can be pretty bad," he said softly, petting her head gently. She was puzzled until reality struck her again.

"Oh, that's right…" She looked down at her own over-sized stomach, which was growing more with each day that passed. "I still don't understand, aren't vampires like us supposed to be infertile?"

"I guess… that's your power. Like how I read minds, you have the ability to bear children to a vampire." He kisses her cheek gently. She rubbed her stomach a bit, smiling warmly as she thought of the child inside.

"I think this child is better than any power I could possibly have."

* * *

What? I didn't say they'd all be crack-filled. I COULDN'T RESIST! Just… the cuteness… IT TEMPTED ME. I'm a bad girl. REPENT! REPENT! Ho yeah, Stephanie Meyer, I'm callin' you out BEEYOTCH. xP


End file.
